Friday, December 30, 2011

This is My Belly, I am no longer ashamed.

I have been wanting to do a post like this for a long time. However, I always thought I'd wait until after I was done having babies and also had my "After" tummy tuck picture to do it. And I thought I'd write it, not here, but a site I have come to love called The Shape of a Mother. I am not sure what has given me the courage to do this now, of all times, but it's time.

Is it the fear of being newly single after 13 years with the same person?

Is it my Surrogate Group's openness?

Is it the thought that some other woman will see my picture and see herself in a new light? See that she is still beautiful?

All the above?

You see, one of my Surrogate Groups started posting pictures of their bodies and bellies. There are only about 35 of us on this particular group and each one is all sorts of Awesome. We trust each other immensely, enough so that even though we sometimes don't feel so great about the bodies that we've been left with after our own babies and our Surro-babies, we still feel safe enough to post up pictures. Some of them are tiny, some of us are not . . . but I've found that we're all beautiful. I decided that I was going to do it too and GOD, was it freeing. To be able to show off what I try so hard to hide . . . to say, "Fuck it! This is me. This is all of me."

Now maybe after I publish this I will feel weird knowing that people out there will have seen what I've been hiding since I started having kids back in 2000 . . . but this body has nourished and grown 7 babies, 8 if we count the one I'm currently pregnant with. This body has breastfeed all of them, from a few days to over a year (depending). This body has completed my own family and has brought joy to two others, three (after July). This body has been good to me and others. This body has brought about so much joy and love. This body has been thin, tan, white, pregnant, stretched out, heavy . . . you name it. This body has seen things that some others have only dreamed about.

This body is mine. I will no longer be ashamed of the way it looks because it has been phenomenal to me and those I hold so dear. It is who I am. And in the future, if I ever get the tummy tuck, or lose more weight, whatever, it will still be mine and I will love it just the same.

Like I put on my Facebook/Twitter today after doing this, "I am Smart. I am Funny. I am Beautiful inside and out. I am a Great Mom. I am a loyal companion . . . and I need to say this aloud everyday to remind myself. My life has changed but "Kelly" will emerge . . . because I am also strong."

I decided to not take a different picture because I was sure I would've tried to get a better angle or change it to try to make it better, perhaps show more of "the girls" since they're pretty great (even more so when in a bra LOL) instead I'm posting the picture that I took when I ran into the back room at work, pulled up my top and clicked. A quick "This is my belly" picture to join the "photo movement" the women I love so much were courageous enough to do themselves.


Monday, December 26, 2011

Single Surrogate?

Well, I have some bad news to report. No, not that, the baby is doing great. I have some "personal" bad news to share . . . .

Last week, we took our kids to Disneyland. It was supposed to be a magical trip leading into the Holiday Season. Well, on our drive, I was talking with my husband about why he was acting so strange. Well to make a long story short, he wants to leave our marriage. He does not want to work on the issues he has within our marriage, he is moving out.

First of all, I have to tell you that I was totally blindsided. I did not see this coming. I honestly thought we'd be married forever. I can count on one hand the amount of fights we've had in the last thirteen years together. Again, I was totally shocked.

Now- not to air my dirty laundry out there for all to read, but I thought that this was a MAJOR event within this Surrogacy, so I figured I would be honest and share. I don't know what will happen in the end (with my marriage) but I can tell you that this Surrogacy will end with a healthy baby boy being born to two amazing dads this summer. I told my IPs what happened when I saw them last week for the ultrasound and they did look worried. Who can blame them. Rick and I look so great on paper . . in our profile you see a monogamous couple that has been together for 13 years and married for 11, with three beautiful kids and two successful surrogacies under our belt. If they wanted a single mother of three children as their surrogate, they would've picked her. Unfortunately, that's what they have now and I feel awful for them. I have tried to let them know that regardless of what is happening in my personal life, I am still 100% on board for this journey.

Rick and I haven't come up with a final plan but a few things are for sure (because of the Surrogacy). We signed a contract, so we are sticking too it . . .

1. We are supposed to be monogamous . . . this means that I won't be having any sex for the next several months and if for some reason Rick decides to come back and work on our marriage (and I decide this is what I want too still) he will need to get re-screened.

2. I have daily injections that I can't do myself (psychologically and also can't reach around my boob to hit my hip) for the next few weeks and he will be stopping by to do them nightly for me.

3. No matter what we decide, we will not get divorced until after the baby is born as it could mess up legal paperwork and I need to keep my insurance the same.

4. He has stated that he'll try to not stress me out so much regarding all this, easier said than done when you spring a "separation" on someone.

Yes- this whole situation sucks. It was awful timing . . . Christmas, I'm Pregnant, etc. but I can tell you one thing for sure. Rick leaving has nothing to do with the Surrogacy (lots of people are thinking that) . . . we both agreed to do this again. I'm not sure if he's going through a mid-life crisis or what but my goal for the next year is to keep myself, my three kids and one embryo/fetus as happy and healthy as possible.

Oh and on a side note, guess I won't be getting that tummy tuck after all. Damn it!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

One Little Bean!

My IPs flew in today for the first ultrasound. One little embryo snuggled in for the journey! They measured the embryo, the sac and yolk. We were able to see a heart beat and even get a heart rate for them. Everyone was very excited. Later we had dinner before I drove back home.

Tomorrow, they'll be driving up to see where I live and meet my kids. They'll also get to meet my mom. Actually, my mom has been able to meet each of my IPs, although usually it's at the birth, so I'm excited she'll be able to meet my new guys too.

Sorry I don't have a picture . . . since the guys were there they got them and I forgot to take a picture. I'll see if they'll send me a picture of the photo so I can share. If not, you'll see one in 2 more weeks.

It was weird to see only one baby on the ultrasound since the last two times were twins . . . but don't get me wrong, I'm going to love only carrying one this time, after two sets of twins, it should be cake ;)

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

It Is Confirmed!

This morning I drove an hour and fifteen minutes for a blood test that took 5 minutes, turned around and drove and hour and a half back. It sucks that there's not a closer place to do my monitoring. Especially since I have to go back again in two days. I swear, my RE this time is killing me with all the blood drawls and ultrasounds, etc. There are a few places that are closer for blood but they don't have same day results- BOO!

Anyway, enough of the bitching, it's all for a good reason . . . .

I got a call from HRC several hours later that my Beta was 273. Now before you start thinking twins, since both of my last Beta's were in the mid to high 200s and they were twins . . . this time my Beta was 12 days past my transfer, not 10 days. Since this time is 2 days longer, I feel pretty safe we have one baby in there! Woot! Woot! Won't have an ultrasound until around Christmas but I feel very confident.

So far my uterus (magic fountain) has played nice . . .

You want 2 girls . . . WISH GRANTED!
You want a set of boy/girl twins . . . WISH GRANTED!
You want one boy . . . (so far so good) . . . .

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Happy Third Birthday Sweet Girls!

Last weekend while in the Bay Area to celebrate Thanksgiving (a day late) we also were able to swing by to celebrate Natasha and Anjali's third birthday.

Here are some fun pictures from our day with my first Surrogate family.

When we first got there of course the kids (and George and Rick) surrounded the PS3

Here's Ruby holding Natasha

Here are the girls Birthday Cakes. Natasha chose a pink pig and Anjali chose a blue fish

Time to blow out the candles

Here's Natasha

and next was Anjali

We had a great time and before we left, we made sure to take a picture. Not sure why George sat so far away LOL

Our visit was way too quick, as we had to get back and we knew holiday weekend traffic might be horrific.