Thursday, October 7, 2010

The Importance of the Matching Process

I just saw a blog that featured an article regarding a Canadian couple that found out the fetus their Surrogate was carrying was likely to be born with Down syndrome. The Intended Parents choice was to terminate the pregnancy, however, the Surrogate didn't want to abort the fetus. Now, this is a hard issue for any couple to deal with, I can't imagine having to make that decision as a parent. As a Surrogate, I know what my decision would be . . . whatever the parents wanted because it's not my fetus.

Growing Generations, my agency, discusses such things through the entire process. It starts when you fill out your profile and you let them know your thoughts on several possible issues. They ask about your feelings on the termination of the pregnancy for whatever reason and they even ask about selective reduction . . . how you feel about going from 3 embryos to 2, 3 to 1, 2 to 1 etc.

The above questions, along with a lot of others, help my agency find a couple that have similar views of what I want my surrogacy journey to be . Both the IPs and Surrogate get to see each other's Profiles, so we can see what we agree on and things that may need to be discussed further. Now, I can't speak for other agencies or Surrogates who choose to go independent, but all this is discussed AGAIN at the actual match meeting. You need to discuss all of this so that everyone is on the same page and it is much easier to discuss what you would do/what is best for you (IPs and Surrogate) BEFORE you are pregnant and in the situation of possible termination/reduction.

But here's the thing, there is someone out there for everyone. I would never carry triplets but there are other Surrogates who would . . . so obviously, I would never match with someone who wouldn't reduce if we ended up with 4 or 3. At the same time, there are some Surrogates who would not participate in a termination for any reason. I, on the other hand am Pro-Choice and realize that the fetus(es) I carry are not mine, so Ultimately, it isn't my decision. Yes, it's my body, but it's their future child/children. What I may chose for my own family (if I found out my fetus had Down's Syndrome, Spinal Bifida,etc.) has nothing to do with someone else's child.

I have really lucked out that none of this has ever been an issue for me in my journey as a Surrogate or as a Mother. I can't say the same for some of my surro-friends.

One Surrogate I know had to reduce from 3 to 1 and it was really tough on her. Of course she complied, as all this was discussed numerous times before she was pregnant, but I'm positive that it affected her negatively as her blog told the story of someone dealing with something I never had to deal with . . . even including a little ticker that mentioned 2 angels going to heaven. When I saw that, the first thing I thought was, "Whoa! I hope her IP's don't read her blog" and my other thought was that she obviously was deeply affected by what had transpired and I hope I would never have to feel the way she was feeling.

Another surro-friend carried twins, one that was diagnosed with Down's Syndrome. They told the parents the baby wouldn't survive the pregnancy . . . she lived until she was 4. When I asked this surrogate her opinion about this new story she said, " . . . Now, having been there and done that . . . it absolutely, unequivocally, HAS to be the PARENT'S choice. This is a sacrifice we make as surrogates. We are not the parent." I couldn't agree more.

6 comments:

COsurromommy said...

If your talking about my blog...no neither past or present IF's have read this blog. I only write it for other surrogates (and any others out there) who may want to know what it's like going through the experiences I have.

Kelly & Her Uterus said...

V- yes and I think it's so important for all of us to blog so we can share with everyone what our experiences are/were . . . and that they aren't exactly the same.

I also love go back and re-read what happened 2 years ago- it's like a trip down memory lane! :)

Merr said...

Hi I am new here! I LOVE YOUR BLOG!! I am getting ready for a transfer as a first time surrogate. I love reading what you write because everything you say is as if I am saying it! We are so on the same page!! I am so glad to have found other blogs and read other's journeys. I am so excited to embark on mine. I am also a lesbian and my partner and I feel this is the best way to pay it forward as a thank you for our sperm donors who helped us have our kids. I look forward to reading about your journey. I have a blog as well. It is about being a two mom family and now about being a gestational carrier as well. If you are interested in reading it is private, so shoot me an e-mail at merr_bow@yahoo.com and I will invite you to read.

MrsKnight said...

Good and important post. I would not choose to terminate my own pregnancy, but as a mother of a very difficult special needs child I support the right of parents to choose termination. Disabilities have a PROFOUND affect on the whole family (marital relations, finances, time, siblings, even grandparents and extended family).

Mommy with Many Gifts said...

I am so blessed that my IP's chose not to reduce the triplets. Although our contract committed me to carrying only 2 embryos, we all came to the decision to keep all 3. I do believe it should be the Intended Parents decision, and I would have respected them no matter what they decided. But, I really don't know if I could have handled having to reduce... I NEVER thought it was going to be 3!! I think this is one of the hardest things I was faced with; it's a HUGE decision for all parties.

Missy Bowyer said...

WOW! I too am with G.G. and had to comply with reduction as well as termination due to illness. It would be devastating for me, truly but what matters the most is what would be devastating for my IP's. They have waited so long, invested so much and they deserve the outcome of their dreams. Like you I have never had to make a choice and I know what I would do but I am certainly not going to point a judgemental finger at someone in that devastating situation...