Friday, March 4, 2011

Nanny Envy

I admit it. I've got it. I've contracted a mild case of Nanny Envy. This isn't my first time and I know I'm not the only Surrogate who has been afflicted with this embarrassing condition.

Now, I know this post is going to come off as totally shallow but I'm not going to apologize. I try to be truthful in my blog and tell it how it is, or at least how it is for me and several surrogate mothers I know. So, buckle your seatbelt and get ready to take a trip back to high school, because it's about to get a little . . . . childish.

So my wonder twins are vacationing. I got the cutest picture of them this morning in their tropical gear (almost peed myself it was so hilarious/adorable). I knew they were going on the trip weeks ago when I was talking with their parents. The four of them and the nanny were going to meet some other friends. The Nanny. Right. Of course she'd go with them. It's her job. But I want to go. Not only to visit this wonderful place (sorry I don't want to be specific) but to see them, to hang out, to give some lovin' to some surro-babies. To be with them all. But alas, I can't because my job is over.

This same thing happened with Natasha and Anjali too. I remember talking with George and Sanj and hearing them name drop the Nanny. Part of me was glad they found someone great to help with their girls but somewhere deep down I'd think, "Ugh, her again". Now don't get me wrong. She is sweet. I even have some pictures of her with the girls as babies. No, I didn't scratch out her face (a la Junior High Yearbook Bitch) but I did get a little bummed when I'd hear how great she was or how marvelous she was with my surro-girlies . . . now HER girlies.

That's the true issue really . . . my job is over. If they wanted to (and luckily they don't) they could never talk to me again. I have nothing for them really . . . no updates about being pregnant. How I'm feeling. When the next OB appointment is. No ultrasound or belly pictures,etc. (Sure I can still send them belly pictures now . . . but after two back to back twins, not to mention my own three, NO ONE wants to see this belly!) When I was pregnant I was important. Now that they have their children, not so much. Of course if asked, I give parenting advice. And like I said earlier, if they ask if I'd like to visit, I'm there! But she's there, a few times a week to help out, not me. And it's not just my surro-girlies or the wonder twins, it's the parents more so. I have these day dreams of all of them hanging out, laughing, having a blast with their nanny . . . oh, she's so funny. She's so caring. She's so great. Kelly who?

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be a Nanny. I'm just jealous that she gets to be with the Parents and kiddos and I don't. I said this was childish, right? I warned you. I'm like that brat who wants it all her way. "Gooses! Geeses! I want my Goose to lay gold eggs for Easter!" I know it's irrational. I know that the parents still like me and still talk about me because they call and text and email and send me photos and videos. And I know that I will always be THEIR Surrogate but sometimes, hearing about/seeing the Nanny, makes me feel jealous.

Could you imagine if they went with another surrogate in the future? Oh, my! I'd probably go off the deep end! Spouting off some sort of gibberish about having Tigress blood flowing through my uterus, how me as a Surrogate = Winning! :)

I know how stupid these feelings are and that's why, until now, I've only talked about this to other Surrogates . . . because they know my pain envy. They have contracted Nanny Envy too. It's an epidemic! We know it's immature and unfounded but Hell, it just may be contagious, so if you're a pregnant Surrogate reading this, watch out!

**UPDATE**
Wanted to put this here in case you don't read the Comments. Someone commented, " . . . you seem to accuse you (sic) IPs in some way . . ." I have to say NOT AT ALL. Just like The Surrogacy Blues, I fully admit my IPs are doing EVERYTHING right by me and I'm IRRATIONALLY feeling this way. Again, they are doing nothing wrong. (The rest of my comment is in the comment section).

20 comments:

Adriana said...

Tigress blood! lol. I don't think it's childish. I honestly think it's natural. You are apart of this amazing journey and there is the emotional connection to all 4 of them. Wanting to help them conceive,creating life for them with the magic oven,then seeing how gorgeous the babies are. I'm sure you wouldn't be so attached if the babies were ugly. Kidding people, just kidding. I don't think there is anything childish about being envious of the nanny.

AnGèLe said...

My former IF has a nanny! I TOTALLY 100% understand you and am right there with you! He and his *new* surro, I set him up with, are on their second transfer.. I want them to get pregnant so badly.. but part of me thinks.. then I will be left in the dust for sure! Sigh.. kinda hard sometimes! (for the record..my dh didnt agree to another journey.. otherwise Id be knocked up) :P
xoxoxoxox

I totally think these feelings are normal and more surros need to share this!

Stacie said...

Totally! I've been waiting for this blog! Like I said before, the nanny gets to go to France/Mexico/New York, and we get fat!

Anonymous said...

It's lovely of you to share this with other surrogates, because they can relate indeed. But this is one of the aspects of surrogacy, which makes it look worse to people less involved. The critics will easily use aspects as this to criticize surrogacy. Plus, you seem to accuse you IPs in some way, may it be on purpose or not.

I live your blog and I love what you are doing for surrogates out there. Just be a bit more careful — your blog is being watched by press outlets, after all.

Anonymous said...

totally feeling this. I am not a surro. but I had to leave my baby with a sitter when the little guy was 6 weeks old-heading back to work. She was a friend of the family. I, naturally hated to do it. One day, I went to pick him up, and she said to me,"He is holding the bottle by himself now." I went home and cried....I was supposed to see that for the first time-NOT HER. That was 19 years ago- never forgot it. We childish ones must stick together.

Madgew said...

Totally can understand these feelings having never been a surrogate. Glad you shared.

Kelly & Her Uterus said...

@Anonymous . . . Surrogates will be criticized with anything I say when people are looking for something to be negative about. I am honest.

Like a friend said, Surrogacy is not always Kittens and Rainbows (although, my experiences are pretty close to that). If honest stories are out there than those less involved just gets to hear about another aspect of surrogacy and it's not always Candy Coated Fun.

You said, "Plus, you seem to accuse you (sic) IPs in some way, may it be on purpose or not." I have to say NOT AT ALL. Just like The Surrogacy Blues, I fully admit my IPs/Babies Parents are doing everything RIGHT by me and I'm irrationally feeling this way. Again, they are doing nothing wrong. I said all 4 send pictures, videos, call and want me to visit- again, everything right. Not sure where you got the idea I was accusing anyone . . . perhaps you were one of those people who are looking for something to criticize? But I hope not.

Kelly & Her Uterus said...

@ Working Mother Anonymous- Oh yeah. I know that envy too! I also have experience the envy that is being a SAHM and being with my kids all the time only to have "Dada" be their first words. LOL What can you do? *smile*

Mommy with Many Gifts said...

I know EXACTLY how you feel. The worst thing was when I went to go visit the girls for the first time at home. I had to deal with 2 nannies!! Ugh, 2!! They watched over me like a hawk when I was feeding the girls, making sure I was "doing it correctly." I'm like, HELLLOOO nannies- I grew these girls from little peanuts, I think I know a thing or 2 about giving them a bottle. And plus, it's MY breast milk!! LOL!!

I'm getting really jealous now when the most familiar female voice the girls know is the nanny's (now down to one) and not mine =( But, that's the way it goes.

Keep up the blogging and don't hold anything back! I don't mind at all and I think all of us surrogates can relate to almost everything!!

Heather said...

As a fellow surrogate with Nanny Envy as well - Thank you for your openness and honesty.
I had the relationship of kitties and rainbows - still do and for that I am eternally grateful. Doesn't mean I wasn't a little *green* when 'the nanny' got to go on lots of fun trips, experience lots of 'firsts' with my surro-boys etc.
....then again, I wouldn't want the 18 hour days, no days off, wiping snotty noses and dirty butts! That is why I carried the kids and then gave them back.... guess we can't have it all!

Kelly & Her Uterus said...

@Heather- you are right- the grass is always greener.

I do not want to change diapers or wipe snot or listen to crying. Being a surro is like being a grandma . . . I get to visit, love on babies/girlies, give them presents and then leave. :)

Renee said...

Thank for sharing your feeling on this subject. I felt this way too. But didn't know there was a title for it. I have Nanny Envy. Now is there a pill we take or treatment? LOL Thank you I don't feel alone anymore. My IF's are wonderfula and send me pics and videos also of their son. I can't wait to visit them in July. :)

Susan said...

Your comment about them getting another surrogate....that's the sole reason I did a sibling project for my Swedish dads. I could not even imagine them having any surrogate but me. Call me childish and selfish and I will freely admit to it. :)

Mama-Beans said...

Nanny envy. OMG do I know just exactly what you're talking about.

braejuma said...

Thank you so much for your honesty!!! I am having my transfer done in 7 weeks and think about it somtimes, how Ill feel afterwards and if Ill be jealous at all that they get to hold, cuddle and kiss the baby all the time...and that their family and friends will get to do the same. Im not blind to the fact that it will be hard some days. I like reading these real life stories that are not candy coated...I feel like what Im feeling is normal. Thank you!

Scary Mommy said...

I cannot imagine carrying babies for nine months and giving them away-- I think you are amazing! (And, have totally earned a whine about a vacation!)

Kelly & Her Uterus said...

@Scary Mommy- Thanks for the visit ;)

I always tell people, "I gave them Back, not away . . ." *smile* " . . . because they were never mine to keep."

Kelli said...

I recently found your blog and I find it so interesting! I'm working on my first journey, but I can understand how you feel. I'm preparing myself for this very situation now! My IF's are local, so of course I think that I'll always be in the picture somehow, but I know that's not really feasible. I appreciate your honesty and giving new GS's like myself some real perspective!

Babydreams2011 said...

LOVE YOUR BLOG!

Heidi said...

Oh kelly, I'm right there with you. When my IF's Christmas card came out, it was blah blah "our wonderful surrogate", and i was all smiles. The next paragragh was blah blah "our wonderful nanny". Iwas like wait we don't get the same adjective! I know, very childish indeed. The adult part of me is so grateful that they have found a "wonderful" nanny.

On the flip side, they asked me if I would ever do it again. I told them that although I would love to, it's not likely. They said, good! They didn't want to share me with anyone else. Glad to hear I'm not the only one with these feelings. The bond between surro and IP's is so special and unless you have one it's very hard to describe to other people. You do an excellent job though. Keep it up!