Now, I know this post is going to come off as totally shallow but I'm not going to apologize. I try to be truthful in my blog and tell it how it is, or at least how it is for me and several surrogate mothers I know. So, buckle your seatbelt and get ready to take a trip back to high school, because it's about to get a little . . . . childish.
So my wonder twins are vacationing. I got the cutest picture of them this morning in their tropical gear (almost peed myself it was so hilarious/adorable). I knew they were going on the trip weeks ago when I was talking with their parents. The four of them and the nanny were going to meet some other friends. The Nanny. Right. Of course she'd go with them. It's her job. But I want to go. Not only to visit this wonderful place (sorry I don't want to be specific) but to see them, to hang out, to give some lovin' to some surro-babies. To be with them all. But alas, I can't because my job is over.
This same thing happened with Natasha and Anjali too. I remember talking with George and Sanj and hearing them name drop the Nanny. Part of me was glad they found someone great to help with their girls but somewhere deep down I'd think, "Ugh, her again". Now don't get me wrong. She is sweet. I even have some pictures of her with the girls as babies. No, I didn't scratch out her face (a la Junior High Yearbook Bitch) but I did get a little bummed when I'd hear how great she was or how marvelous she was with my surro-girlies . . . now HER girlies.
That's the true issue really . . . my job is over. If they wanted to (and luckily they don't) they could never talk to me again. I have nothing for them really . . . no updates about being pregnant. How I'm feeling. When the next OB appointment is. No ultrasound or belly pictures,etc. (Sure I can still send them belly pictures now . . . but after two back to back twins, not to mention my own three, NO ONE wants to see this belly!) When I was pregnant I was important. Now that they have their children, not so much. Of course if asked, I give parenting advice. And like I said earlier, if they ask if I'd like to visit, I'm there! But she's there, a few times a week to help out, not me. And it's not just my surro-girlies or the wonder twins, it's the parents more so. I have these day dreams of all of them hanging out, laughing, having a blast with their nanny . . . oh, she's so funny. She's so caring. She's so great. Kelly who?
Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be a Nanny. I'm just jealous that she gets to be with the Parents and kiddos and I don't. I said this was childish, right? I warned you. I'm like that brat who wants it all her way. "Gooses! Geeses! I want my Goose to lay gold eggs for Easter!" I know it's irrational. I know that the parents still like me and still talk about me because they call and text and email and send me photos and videos. And I know that I will always be THEIR Surrogate but sometimes, hearing about/seeing the Nanny, makes me feel jealous.
Could you imagine if they went with another surrogate in the future? Oh, my! I'd probably go off the deep end! Spouting off some sort of gibberish about having Tigress blood flowing through my uterus, how me as a Surrogate = Winning! :)
I know how stupid these feelings are and that's why, until now, I've only talked about this to other Surrogates . . . because they know my
Wanted to put this here in case you don't read the Comments. Someone commented, " . . . you seem to accuse you (sic) IPs in some way . . ." I have to say NOT AT ALL. Just like The Surrogacy Blues, I fully admit my IPs are doing EVERYTHING right by me and I'm IRRATIONALLY feeling this way. Again, they are doing nothing wrong. (The rest of my comment is in the comment section).